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NASSAU, BAHAMAS—Coming a full five days into the eight-day voyage, Russell family sources reported Monday that Uncle Neil had posted a terse, emotionless Facebook post from his cruise ship vacation, thus far the only dispatch from the week-long tropical getaway.
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EDGEMONT, PA—Expressing shock that the film he was watching somehow did not yet seem to be reaching its conclusion, area man Tyler Smith, 33, reported Tuesday that, holy shit, there are somehow still 50 minutes left in the movie.
HYANNIS, MA—Following dinner at the home of Stan and Linda Paulson and their three children, alarmed houseguest Brendan Murphy told reporters Wednesday that the local family’s preferred euphemism for human genitalia is apparently the word ...
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HOMESTEAD, FL—Marveling at the amount of tension his prey seemed to be carrying around with him, a 12-foot-long Burmese python was reportedly shocked Wednesday at how much stress a local man was holding in his gradually constricting neck.
SEDALIA, MO—Explaining that he wanted to be prepared for any unforeseen outcome, local Donald Trump supporter Fred Mc Guire, 52, said Tuesday that he has a few backup scapegoats ready to go in case the president’s planned aggressive policing and monitoring policies aimed at immigrants don’t fix everything.
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